I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
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The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
The answer is funnier than the question
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Fights fire with marshmallows
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.