Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
You Might Also Like
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!