Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
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My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Thursday
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.