casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
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Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
(Jupiter –
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.