Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
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Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!