Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
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Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
I love it all
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
road rage
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.