Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
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“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”