Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
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Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
*seductively corrects your posture*
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning