[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
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“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.