[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
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why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
There’s only one good girl here!
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle