Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
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kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .