Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
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Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….