Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
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Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.