HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
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i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.