Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
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Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
reviewed some movies recently
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.