People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
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Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
oh my god
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME