Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
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The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.