WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
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Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home