In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
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How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
is nasa ok
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.