*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
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Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F