son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
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In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
selfie game
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.