… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
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My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”