Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
You Might Also Like
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Baking is just science you can eat.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.