Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
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TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
If you know, you know
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Me too
Pretty much! 😂👀
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go