Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
You Might Also Like
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.