That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
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microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.