I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
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[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
welp
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.