[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
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You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Worst perfume name ever.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs