teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
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I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time