Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
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Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants