I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
You Might Also Like
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course