Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
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How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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.
.
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Squash
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
shut up and take my money
A Short Story.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality