Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
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I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
This is what makes twitter great
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*