I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
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*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.