Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
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A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.