Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
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Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
How software testing works
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.