If a snake ate a cake
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Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Generation gap…
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵