I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
You Might Also Like
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Super Hand Dog Face
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI