Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
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If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life