How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
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Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?