i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
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“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Meow
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy