I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
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Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
LOL!