On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
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My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
and this one
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
A fake ID that makes you younger
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.