Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
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“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated