Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
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Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”