yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
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“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
PLOT TWIST:
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.