Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
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My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?