[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
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Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
I don’t think my car can fly
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?