“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
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I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
So glad we cleared that up
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.