Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
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Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
*seductively corrects your posture*
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Lmfao
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis